Friday, August 12, 2011


i have so many questions. some about death. some about life. some about heaven. but mostly... why? why did God allow this to happen? why my best friend? why snuff out a life so full of promise? sure there are vague and understandable answers to these questions, but right now, that's just not good enough.

struggling with so much emotion and anger right now...its hard to deal with. but thats where i think i trying to take it on all by myself. when you go to that dark place...the walls are closing in, its somber and gloomy, but your not sure whether you want to get out or not, its the place of emotional turmoil, of hurt, questions and doubt. like any other storm, your instinct is to hunker down and wait for it to pass. i personally don't see a problem with waiting. be still while you pass through the dark valley, for He wants to and will comfort you.

don't listen to everyone who has an opinion on how you should handle grieving. that will just drive you deeper in a rut. pat answers don't work, they are from people who have no idea what else to say. people who want to fix you. people who haven't gone through this hurt before, or not to this magnitude. "moving on" is pointless when your heart is broken and bleeding. how long will it take for that patch to come loose and you start bleeding again? how long will it take for that fake painted smile to crack and fall off your face? is it not better to let your heart heal?

what i'm saying is.... it is not selfish to be in this place of struggle and emotion. if you disagree go back in time and tell the Son of God he was wrong in weeping for Lazarus. he had more hope in Him about seeing Lazarus soon than any of us. because he knew what was going to happen. but he still wept.

God understands our hurt in times like these. He understands it won't get better right away.

Silence and darkness are the language of prayer. In the midst of darkness and difficult circumstances, the voice of the Spirit speaks in silence. This is the place where words cannot and must not be uttered. Instead God asks us to be still. Stillness is the prayer of the broken hearted and the dumbfounded, where the native tongue speaks in the barren land of pain. It is the prayer that sits silently before the almighty God. When we have no strength or even desire to ask why or how long, we simply wait in silence and darkness and ask who. There we find a heavenly Father, hallowed and holy, with arms open wide.

Important!!= Ecclesiastes 7:3- Sorrow is better than laughter. For sadness has a refining influence on us.

its okay to be sad. it makes you cherish happy memories.


  1. Wow, Autumn that was so touching. You had me in tears. Your perspective is so real and although I didn't know him as you did, I feel for you. Thank you for sharing this. :/ <3
    ~Lydia A.

  2. Praying for you and grieving with you, my friend. Love you.

    ~Rachel A.

  3. Autumn, thanks for sharing. God is so faitful and sonverign even when we don't see it. We can stand on that truth. love you and praying for you!

  4. autumn, I know there's nothing I can say. I love you, and I'm praying for you. You've written beautifully.

  5. i love you a lot and you are in my prayers girl! <3